Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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