who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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