Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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