I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
