My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
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