Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
