oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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