dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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