i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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