It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
