i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i out mim tonsoeep
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