Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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