I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
