she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize