put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
