dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
