Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
