I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
