I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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