THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
