But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
send nudes
from the living room?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
