my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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