Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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