I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
