Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
