Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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