I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
