Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
