fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
a search helicopter?!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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