so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
