your parents love me but you hate me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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