Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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