and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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