epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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