just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
