I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
