If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Can you bring me the toilet please
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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