someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize