I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
