I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
