My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
