oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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