y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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