Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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