She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
