You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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