I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
