Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
