I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need moral support for this bender
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
