she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
