I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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