Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
