I'm eating all of the evidence.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
