Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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