Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
