It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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