life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
