I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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