sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
