just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
